Hidden Feelings, Lost Dreams
by Diabolicalisfun
Summary: A well-known hero's cover is blown, much to her chagrin. Her attempts to forget the past have always failed, but now none will let her heart lay buried. They say time heals all wounds, but she is no longer so innocent.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing in this fanfiction other than Amalia's name and mannerisms. I don't even really own her backstory; everything else belongs to Bioware. This includes a sizable chunk of my soul.**

I let out a sigh as my surroundings were rapidly changed from caverns to a temple, clearly formerly dedicated to Lolth. So much for never seeing one of these again. I watched dispassionately as drow scrambled, nearly panicking to set up some sort of defense around a drow woman in the center of the room. Wouldn't their evil kin be so pleased to see them now?

"Protect the Seer!" The cry went up and was echoed by many. I left my longbow on my back, casually flicking the tied-back mane of my black hair over my shoulder. These bleating sheep wouldn't be worth the waste of ammunition, even if they started charging me.

Indeed, a few moved as if to attack, but Nathyrra stepped in front of me, holding out her hands. "No, wait! Seer, I have brought her!" That was almost a pity; I could used beating the life out of something right about now.

The older female drow weaved her way through her guard dogs and nodded with a smile that reminded me of better days. Of days when laughter came easily, when I traveled with friends – other than Deekin – and even people who should have been enemies. "I see her, Nathyrra. It warms my heart to see you again. Welcome, Amalia. I know you have many questions, but I fear we have little time."

My teeth ground at the mention of my first name, the one I wished to no longer be associated with this pathetic body, this soul even, as it had been too weak to do what it wished and thus save lives. However, the name I wanted to be used was already forever entwined with my actual moniker, thanks to the appearances of many people whom I had presumed never to see again. These were, namely, my companions during Neverwinter's crisis with the Wailing Death.

"Actually, I don't have many. Even if I did, you wouldn't be able to give me halfway decent answers with how my luck runs. I already know of the Valsharess; I don't care why you have such problems with her. Just tell me what I need to do to wipe her off the face of Toril."

The Seer stared at me, her eyes wide and face demonstrating a state of shock. Then, quite suddenly, she directed a sad smile at me. At once, the hairs on the back of my neck stiffened, and I felt the desire to growl at her. I didn't like the look of pity in her eyes, like she knew what I'd been through.

"I see," were her first words after my little outburst. "Nathyrra, if you could explain what has happened?"

"Of course, Mother Seer," my drow ally – of sorts – agreed, stepping forward. Before she could launch into the story, I interjected.

"Lovely. I thought you said we were short on time. Is there something _useful_ I could be doing while you prattle on?" Admittedly, I was being awfully short-tempered, even for myself. However, it was hardly my fault: the last time I'd been in the Underdark was with _him_, and numerous others. And let's not forget Halaster's wonderful little geas. I swore I would kill him for that.

The assassin before me stiffened and looked at me. "There are Gulrhys and Rizolvir, if you wish to equip yourself for the hardships of the Underdark." The tone of her voice should have chilled my blood, but I found that I didn't give a damn, even if she tried to kill me. I had survived worse than a drow assassin.

I barely noted the tiefling near the exit as I left. He was rather out of place, glaring at me, eyes narrowed in suspicion. As always, Deekin was quick to follow me; he probably expected something exciting to happen, regardless of whether or not it would be good. As soon as we were out of the temple, he spoke.

"Wow... Boss, we really be in Underdark! This so exciting! Deekin reads lots about Underdark, with Master's books."

I shook my head with a slight smile. "What haven't you read about, Deekin?"

"Well, there be lots. Like Boss. Deekin still not know why Boss hides behind different name."

"Not now, Deeks. I don't want to talk about it. Maybe once we get out of this stupid mess."

I wasn't sure why the Seer had insisted that Valen, the surly, red-haired tiefling, accompany me, but apparently I was stuck with him. After hearing of the enemies I would have to eliminate, and hearing rumors of items or allies that I might be able to bring into the fray, I decided that strengthening our forces would be best. The last time I had left a city under siege to kill its enemy, it had been turned into a widespread pile of rubble. Sure, they weren't under attack at that precise moment, but they could be soon. I paced impatiently as Cavallas's boat rocked gently in the underground river's dark waters, as Deekin prodded Valen with questions that were sure to annoy the Hells out of him. One in particular caught my attention, and even startled a laugh from me.

"Why is it you got horns? Is you part goat?" my faithful kobold companion inquired, his eyes round with curiosity.

As I would have done, the man with the ridiculously large flail scowled. "In a manner of speaking. I am part demon... a tiefling, if you've ever heard of such a thing."

"Demons make babies?" The innocent tone of the kobold's voice almost implied that he was genuinely surprised. I knew better, however. The light sound of grinding teeth, picked up by my keen, elven ears, was most amusing.

"When they wish to. Are you always so blunt about your questions?"

"Deekin can be very innocent when he tries. That be part of his charm."

"Well, I have a weapon that can crush a man's skull into pulp before he even realizes he is dead. I've made corpses whose jaws still wag as they try to speak. That's part of _my_ charm." Really, I couldn't imagine who would find that attractive, other than some downright sick bastards. Sorry, dear brother, that your face is the one that first comes to mind. I know you changed while traveling with us, but even you had to admit that you came off as more than a bit touched in the head. I suppose the blood of a god will do that to you, though.

"Deekin once have old master who eat bad mushrooms and passes gas so bad it kills entire cave full of kobolds." Ah, this story again. After having heard it told about five times, it lost its novelty. "Deekin stick his head in water bucket, only reason he alive today."

"I've cut my way through a hundred men, breathing in their own gore, and felt the slash of a hundred blades against my skin yet never died." Were these two seriously competing for who had the most balls? Ugh, males. As the thought crossed my mind, my pondering frown deepened as I thought of a certain man whose company I sorely missed. I payed no further attention to the pointless conversation between my companions, opting to alternate my gaze between the waters below us and the golden ring, adorned with a small diamond, that encircled one of my fingers. It had been two years since I last saw him, regret and determination etched into his features and lacing his voice as he left to return to his home city of Athkatla. If only we hadn't argued, he wouldn't have nearly struck me... and he wouldn't have returned to his Order, only to get himself killed.

I hardly registered the light tug at my belt, so engrossed I was in thought. The second, more insistent tug, though, caused me to look for the source of interruption. "Boss okay?" I couldn't help but smile slightly at Deekin's wide, innocent-seeming eyes. May the Gods help him keep that amazing trait, one I had started to lose inside the so-called safe walls of Candlekeep. It seemed ages ago that the fortress of knowledge had felt like home, when in fact it had only been five years. According to all that I had read, I was only recently matured. Of course, I was forced to mentally and emotionally mature much earlier than I should have. Fighting for your life daily does that to most children.

"Boss?" my faithful bard repeated in his nearly whining tone.

I pulled away from the boat's edge, repressing a sigh. "I'm fine, Deeks. Go on, get some sleep."

"But what if some big, bad monster attacks boat? How will Deekin writes about it if he not there?"

"It won't." I didn't even have to glance at him to know he was going to object that it might. "If it does, I'll tell you all about it, every single little."

"Boss is so goods to little Deekin!" my favorite little reptilian yelled in glee before rushing below deck, presumably to curl up and sleep. It was so easy for him, the adventuring business. Sure, he used to be a coward, but he'd gotten stronger and more courageous. I was proud of his progress, though I knew I wasn't the only one who could claim responsibility for it.

"Just how did you two come to meet?" the timbre of none other than the tiefling asked. I briefly wondered whether to pretend I'd forgotten he was there or not, then simply decided I didn't care. When I finally looked at him, I was hardly unsurprised to see his eyes narrowed in suspicion.

"How do you think? Would you like to hear that I knew his mother since she was young, and she shoved him off to me at the earliest opportunity to protect him?" I didn't bother to keep the trace of sarcasm out of my voice as I painted an odd scenario. "That might be more believable. It depends on the individual mind listening to, or reading, the tale."

"I would like to know the truth." The way his eyes bored into me made me uncomfortable, and brought back memories. I looked away as I pictured Jaheira directing a similarly stern look at me, possibly when I had first mentioned a slight romantic interest in one of our party members. Gods, I was so naïve back then; and I had refused to believe her when she told me so.

"Simply put, he had something I wanted. We made a bargain: He would give me the broken tower statue if I freed him from his old master." I opened the drawstrings of the bag attached to my belt, glanced in it and moved some tomes around, then found what I was looking for. After withdrawing my hand from its vast depths, I held out the red leather-bound book with golden lettering on the cover. "If you want to know more, read it. Written words are more valuable than spoken ones. I'll be back in approximately four hours."

I hardly gave him time to take the book, a look of surprise on his face. Then I was off to get my beauty sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing in this fanfiction other than Amalia's name and mannerisms. I don't even really own her backstory; everything else belongs to Bioware. This includes a sizable chunk of my soul.**

Deekin started singing out his Doom Song, bringing a grim smile to my features as I continued launching arrows at my targets. Now if those drow weren't scrambling to get away from a certain battle-hardened tiefling, it would certainly be easier to land my attacks in vital spots. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end, so I leaped forward and made sure to look behind me. Sure enough, there was another drow, this one garbed in dark red, a dagger in hand that seemed to radiate evil – which she had just tried to bury into my back. I dodged another attempt at a strike, simultaneously switching out my bow for a weapon and shield more suited to close combat.

Desert's Fury nearly shone with the light of holiness as its head swung through the air, quickly making short work of the Red Sister's small blade. As it clattered to the floor, she tried to go for it; her face met the spiked ball of my flail – quite messily, if I may say so myself. Before I could further act on killing the bitch whom had tried to knife me in the back, two bolts thudded into her falling body.

"That lots of dead drow, Boss," Deekin announced. I looked over my shoulder to see that Valen had handled the rest of the lot with hardly a problem. Just as Deekin said, there were quite a few cooling corpses laying about. After surveying the damage, I tucked my weapon at my belt and placed my shield once more upon my back, beneath my bow.

"You know the drill, Deeks." Time for looting – we would keep the useful things, maybe take a magic item or three that would be worth selling. Eh, should probably hold onto those longer and sell them to the djinni in my little bottle, rather than the stingy bastard that went by the name Gulrhys. Light music drifted throughout the caverns as the little kobold strummed a few strings on his lute. Some of the magic inherent in his music clung to various items around the ruined campsite, which I gathered up into a pile for him to sort through.

As he started to do so, I moved beside the tiefling. "I'm going to scout ahead. Watch Deeks for me." Without waiting for a response, I was walking away; that didn't mean I failed to notice his attempt to grab me.

"Get back here!" he ordered me, as if I were one of his soldiers. Heh, fat chance. I didn't even acknowledge his words with a falter in my step.

After stepping out of the soothing light of Deekin's magicked instrument, I took off the ring given to me by Drogan, the one that had formerly been used to train myself and the other apprentices. Once I passed his unplanned 'test', he had modified it into something more useful for my adventures. I rearranged the bands, having long ago memorized each one by the number of notches and what material they were made of. Once I slipped it back onto my finger, I was able to see in the light-less environs just as well as the tiefling presumably could.

Oddly enough, I discovered I didn't need to concern myself with such matters – after a few bends in the tunnel ahead, I was able to make out some sort of light source. With a frown to make the tiefling seem jolly, I readjusted my ring so that it might absorb the first blow to strike me. Instinctively my hand grasped my bow to ready it, preparing for an ambush. Things in the Underdark didn't draw attention to themselves unless there was something else there to close the trap. As I glanced around the final corner to finally catch sight of the source of light, however, my muscles relaxed. It was just a bunch of foolish avariel. The one of their kind that I met a few years ago was even more naïve than I had been. Wait a moment, what in the Nine Hells and the Infinite Layers of the Abyss were winged elves doing in the Underdark?

I studied their actions for a few minutes, trying to determine whether they were truly as they seemed, or possibly something else, like possibly doppelgangers. Ugh, I'd already had far too many of them to deal with for one lifetime. I was barely matured, but the things I'd seen and felt... This was hardly the time to reminisce, so I put such thoughts out of my head and made my way back to my companions.

"Well, Deeks, what did you turn up?" I asked, blatantly ignoring the tiefling's glare. He probably wasn't happy that I had just disappeared with barely a word. Well, it sucked to be him; I wasn't about to start asking him for permission to do what I needed to. As my personal bard chattered gleefully about the magical properties of each item, including and especially a crossbow of better make than his previous one, I felt a certain pair of azure eyes boring into the back of my head. With a slight roll of my eyes, I deigned at last to coolly meet his gaze.

"Uh, Boss stops staring at Goat Man sometime soon? Boss's epic not get more epic by standing and doing nothing, you knows." I dropped the staring contest to redirect my attention to Deekin, whom was putting his notebook and quill back in his pack. It was entirely true.

"There aren't any enemies nearby – unless they've eaten the elves I spotted earlier. Let's go." The other two followed me, Deekin humming a little tune, Valen practically stomping in his heavier armor. A muscle in my jaw twitched as I clenched my teeth, then I turned to face him. "What in the Hells is wrong with you? We know you can step lighter than that, so why don't you do that?"

"I was under the impression you had no worries regarding the prowess of our enemies." His tone was biting, his eyes throwing a silent challenge my way. "Are you a coward, then, to hide from those weaker than you? Or are you lying about your own capabilities?"

I was a step closer to him with a slight snarl on my face before I could think about it. "I'm not worried about anything, except perhaps your apparent lack of intelligence! Just because we can handle anything that we come across doesn't mean we should ask for it to come our way! If you don't agree with how I lead this venture, you can go fuck off! I didn't ask for you here, trailing after me like some dog under the bidding of its master!"

His eyes flashed red for a very brief moment, but it was enough for me to know that I had stepped over some invisible line of his. How satisfying. "As if I could trust you to do what's needed," he ground out between obviously clenched teeth.

"Aw, look at that, Deeks. He thinks he's being scary with his teeth all clenched like that," I taunted. "As if a snarling descendant of demons could frighten me, after all I've faced."

I felt the space where my heart was twinge at the brief moment of memory. It was enough to snap me out of the unreasonable anger, and make me want to cry. However, crying wouldn't bring him back; the only thing I could do was to hide my own weaknesses and soldier on. I think he would have been proud of me for such, valiant Knight that he was. Then I noticed that Valen had retorted, nearly shaking in restrained rage, and almost laughed.

"Fine. If you want to be a walking target that screams 'shoot me, oh, shoot me', be my guest. Please, lead the way." I just couldn't keep the acerbic tone out of my voice today, it seemed. With a final glare, he did as I didn't really ask. How many arrows would it take to put a beast down? For this one, I might need five just to get through that thick head of his.

This was going to be one hell of a trip.


End file.
